Attempting to Just Do It.

Will I ever get to a regular posting schedule? Nope.

I wanted to get to a point where I could regularly post what is/was on my mind. That hasn't really been the case. I guess if I could say what I really wanted, I would mostly just vent a lot of negative feelings. My surroundings are unnecessarily competitive and I feel myself tensing up with anger and irritation on a daily basis. I try to separate and I can't do that without causing more tension. Yet I am forced to endure the needling and ribbing while there is no recourse. I have to bite my tongue because when I say what I think everyone freaks out and acts like I've committed some sort of treason just by speaking my mind. So, I die a little every day, a death of a thousand cuts.

Then there's the part of me that knows that is just over-dramatizing the situation. How many posts have I made like this now? I want to be a more positive person, I want to go back to that guy that babbled about "Just doing it" and looked forward to things. Every day, I feel like I'm moving further away from that guy. I can sometimes catch myself and rein it in but it feels less and less like I'm really being me and more and more like I'm trying to fit some sort of mold. I am not who people want me to be but by being what they want, I can't be who I want.

I'm trying to find a balance, something that can snap me out of the somnambulist waltz but there's not really anything. I'm falling further into fantasy worlds with video games and solo rpgs lending some sort of escapism but there's not really anything to escape from. Life isn't terrible but it has reached the sort of bland consistency that means I can't really argue or say that it's bad but it is not what I want.

Of course, there are things left unspoken. Although I'm not technically unemployed, I am scheduled for all of three hours this week. Having no job means not only having a lot of free time but also not having a lot of money. So, without money, I'm forced to pretty much lean on everyone else. Out of a sense of duty or obligation or debt, I'm stuck with this feeling of owing everyone for the smallest favors. On top of all this eggshell-walking, I'm constantly angry at myself for falling into this lifestyle. I'm lazy and bored with life and that means I'm the type of person I hate: the person who says they don't have enough to do and they are so bored while simultaneously wasting hours on end doing pointless stuff.

I guess that writing is the only thing that I feel is actually worth my time.

So I guess I'll try to do more of it.