Absence of Nonsense

Well, Sunday I took time off because I felt like the game blog felt too much like a book report or something. Don't get me wrong, I do plan on throwing up reviews of stuff in general but there's definitely going to be a more natural and spontaneous move towards it then "Here's the blog as promised". It felt a bit forced on a second read through. Monday, I was driving for about 12 hours so I just came home and didn't fell like doing anything.

Here's the honest truth: I would love to make some residual income by blogging. Here's the other, counter-intuitive truth: I hate feeling forced to do anything, even when I'm the one forcing me to do it. So, while I would love to be the go-to site for all your news and reviews about something or other, I just can't do it. I think the best I could do is set aside one day and make it "Wild Retro Wednesdays" or something where I do a specific type of writing but even that is too much definition for something that I really only do for fun. So, I guess now it's back to some stuff about me.

I am not competitive. Except I am, I'm just trained to understand that I can never be the best. It's a messed up way to see life. When I was in third grade, I got second place in a spelling bee. I was incredibly happy with myself and people told me how good I was to just do that but there was someone, I don't even remember who, but there was someone who said "You could have got first place." So, instead of being happy that I won, I slowly became aware of how much better I could have done. The next year, I was in the spelling bee again and I stuttered on a word, which counts as a misspell. When I sat down, I was just overcome by this bleak feeling of failure. Since we're being honest and since that was about 20 years ago, I'll just tell you I cried like a baby. Part of me had no idea why I even cared and part of me was absolutely devastated.

You have to  understand that when people feel the need to frame everything in game terms, I immediately see that as something that can only end in tears. Even though I know losing is inevitable, it still rips me apart when I do lose and that's why I don't want to be a part of anything that couches every little occurrence as a "win" or a "fail". The problem is that I don't like to feel forced but whenever someone starts with that nonsense, I'm right there with them. I sink down to some low levels, even if it's just in my head sometimes. That's the worst part, imagining what you should have said or done to put some jackass in their place when the truth is, they are in a bad place already. If you're having a discussion about Star Wars and you accidentally say that Endor was the Ewok planet(Have you been drinking?) and somebody googles it and sees that the Ewoks lived on a moon of Endor, instead of saying "Oh, is that what you meant?" it comes out as "Haha! Total NERD FAIL! Lol(yes, in this example, the person is saying "lol" because that's what an idiot does and this person is an idiot) you got owned! Now, which one of these guys is Dark Vader again?" There's so much wrong with a person like that.

If you're self esteem only comes from pointing out people's flaws and mistakes, you're probably going to have a high self-esteem but not very many friends. Now, I'm in this weird snake-eating-it's-tail point here, because I'm saying that someone pointing out other people's flaws are jerks but I'm pointing out that flaw and acting like I'm so much better. We are still being honest, right? Then I'll tell you that I like to be right. I love it, actually. I like to feel like I'm the smartest one in the room and that is the first step towards being an unbearable d-bag that no one wants around. I wish that when someone was wrong or when someone was misinformed, I could find the right middle ground between "Just shut up, you're an idiot" and "Well, if that's what you think then okay, I must have heard it wrong." I don't want to kowtow to anyone but I don't want to be the kind of person I can't stand. It's incredibly hard to be confronted with evidence that I might actually be kind of a crappy person sometimes but it's also a growing experience. After all, flowers need manure, right?

So, I'm working on becoming a beautiful, gentle flower. It is not easy. You know what is easy? Being a weed. The truth is, weeds are much more plentiful. Most people don't want to pick the weeds out of their garden and they grow so fast. Wait, let me rephrase this whole analogy. I want to be a beautiful garden. That sounds very feminine but imagine a garden full of cool stuff like Venus flytraps and cool vines and stuff. No, wait, now the analogy doesn't really work. Here, let me just tell you what I mean: I want to find all the bad parts of me and get rid of them. I'd like to find the good parts and make them bigger. I want to eventually be the kind of person that people love, trust, and look to for comfort. I've got a few people that do that now but I feel like it is in spite of my flaws and what I'd like is to be someone that people don't have to excuse. I want people to say "He's a good guy." not "He's a good guy except when you're discussing Star Wars, then he becomes some kind of raging freak."

I think life is too big to understand completely but I think we learn about it through discussion and analysis. So, it's important to have people who want to talk to you. Love is nice, too. I don't think it explains anything but it does help when things don't make any sense.

My Favorite Game

Sometimes, a game comes along that you can't really explain. The other day, I talked about Borderlands and there are a dozen reasons to play that. There are a dozen other places that you can read about that, too. For me, I have to talk about this game, Awesomenauts. Overall, this is not a game I would recommend for everyone. If it sounds good, then great, try it out. If you don't, that's cool, too.

First of all, even critics of the game can't fault the character design. It seems influenced by 80's cartoons and by influenced I mean you could probably find some of the inspiration for these guys ripped from the graphic designer's eighth grade notebook. There's robots, cowboys, a brain in a jar and various talking, weapon-toting anthropomorphic animals. The environments are awesome, they almost seem like they could have been pulled from a Megaman level which is not a bad thing.

Oddly enough, for all the retro characters and old-school 2d feel to the movement, there's a lot of newer ideas in the gameplay. There's profile-wide progression, similar to newer FPS games like Call of Duty (which is up to like, number 16 but they avoided that by changing the subtitles, so I think it's called Black Ops now). There's prestige ranks, which, as far as I know, is also pulled from CoD. The gameplay is very similar to multiplayer online battle arenas(MOBAs), where players push back and forth across the map in an attempt to destroy the other teams base. Little robots follow along while giant turrets defend your base but slowly wear down. A group of three players have to work together to lead their little robots, smash through the turrets and win the game.

That leads me to the biggest problem with this game and most games that rely on an online community to form the main play experience: people are jerks. In real life, if you play a pick-up game of anything with someone, whether they suck or not, you have fun unless you're insanely competitive. Online, behind a mask of anonymity, most people prefer to just be giant d-bags. If you show any signs of not knowing exactly what you're doing, prepare to have a random player on your team hurl profanities at you with no other provocation. Luckily, the community of Awesomenauts is mostly not like that, though because it is growing, it's starting to get there. I play on Xbox 360 and also on PC but I haven't picked up the 360 version for a while because the last time I did, it was two Scottish guys yelling at each other and using weird slang. In fact, I'm not entirely sure they were arguing. It was actually kind of awesome. Then, one of them left and somebody else came in and there was just dead air with an occasional grunt or cough.

There's another unfortunate fact, and that's that updating things on the console is expensive, so once Awesomenauts came to PC, it was hard for console players to not feel shafted because there was one update that added two new 'nauts and tried to balance the characters a little bit. Since then, another character has been released and each character's powers have been tweaked and fiddled several times so that old strategies and builds are no longer viable. The newest patch for the PC added different skins which are purchasable (at the slightly unrealistic price of $2.49 for each individual skin or $15.00 for the full pack, $6 more than the actual game costs), but that kind of bodes well for console owners because it appears that Ronimo is trying to get the money up to patch the console again but by the time they do, how many new PC updates will be out?

Anyway, as you can see, this is not a perfect game. Despite it's flaws, I love it and have put in an obscene amount of time on both the console and PC version because I just really like this game. There's a Russian monkey in a rocket pack. The matchmaking kinda sucks. There's a rapping frog. The voice acting for the surfing lizard girl is horrendous but everyone else says some really hilarious lines, almost deserving of a whole other blog devoted to it. I guess I'll just leave this here and call it a night.

Here's the problem...

When I want to write about video games, I usually need to play some games because I figure that will get the juices flowing. Unfortunately (for everyone else like bosses, girlfriends, pets, etc.), when I play games, I lose time like I was abducted by big-headed grey aliens (no anal probing, though. Sorry, I guess?). So, because of that, today's blog is not as expansive as I wanted it to be. I just got Borderlands 2 and I can't say I've missed the lost time but I have to say I've missed the wonderful everything that is Borderlands. The whole time I am playing, I keep thinking "I've gotta do this other thing" but then I find a gun that shoots fire or has a funny name or a quest pops up that seems like it should be fairly simple but nothing ever is.

I went to the midnight release for the first Borderlands because I had followed the game ever since I first heard about it. I remember them changing the art style to differentiate themselves from Fallout and I think the aesthetic difference changed the whole direction of the game. There's something about cell-shaded graphics that lends itself to a more cynical, snarky type of humor and the writers behind Borderlands definitely latched onto that. At the same time, it's one of the few games where I've simultaneously laughed while also feeling like I'm part of a serious conflict. The game walked a tight rope between self-aware meta-humor and the typical juvenile power fantasy present in most games. So, it's no surprise that after the success of the first one and the absolute joy that each DLC pack brought, the second one is something that I had a hard time putting down.

I did manage to put it down for an impromptu dance party, though. I tried to learn how to Dougie but no luck, so I mostly flailed around but I had fun. If you're dancing, you should be having fun but if you're not, I will still be having fun because I'm picturing a mopy, depressed person dancing in a circle, each gyration left unpunctuated by the typical wide smiles and random cries of excitement that dancing should bring. For some reason, the image that never fails to bring a smile to my face is someone doing that Soulja Boy dance with a completely serious look on their face.

Anyway, tomorrow is the weekend and so, I might actually write what I planned to write today, assuming work and Borderlands don't get in the way. But I don't think I'm the only one with a problem...

Missed One Already

I had intended to blog everyday in an effort to get ready for doing an alphabet challenge/duel with my friend. You know what's easier than writing? Watching the Voice...or Cabin in the Woods. Let's say I was being cool and watching a cool movie and not a show that's probably going to ruin my street cred. Wait, do I have any street cred? Who am I asking? None of this makes sense.

Okay, well, another thing I intended to do was a blog with a purpose, like a list of games I like or something (which is apparently more important than whatever I've been writing? Should a question mark be there? I could probably end the parentheses now, huh? Okay.) but now it's mostly late night ramble squad action for now. I really do totally have serious plans for where I'm going with this writing. For now, this will probably have to suffice, though.

Here's a quick aside: I've been reading Blankets by Craig Thompson and I'm to the part where he illustrates the Cave analogy. I've studied that several times and discussed it with friends, too. I never really latched onto the idea that the cave-dweller, upon escaping the cave, at first thinks that the real objects are fakes because he is so used to seeing the shadow objects. Upon reflection, it resonates deeply. To see something and say "No, that's not what I'm looking for" when it's exactly what I'm looking for is the story of my life. I spent a lot of time chasing shadows because I thought they were full of substance and ignoring what I needed because I had no idea what it really was.

I guess the point of that paragraph above, which probably doesn't count as an aside if I reference it in a separate paragraph but whatever this isn't English and I do what I want, was that I guess I hope to be able to define what's real in life by writing and reflecting. I hope this doesn't become "Joseph's Over-analyze Central" but at the same time, the bulk of my writing is probably going to be very self-involved, so... I don't know what I'm doing here. Apologizing, I guess? If you've read any of my other stuff or even just to this point in this piece, you already know what I'm about (It's me. I'm mostly about me.) but I'm also trying to bring something else, to offer a reader( the guy or gal who is you) something beyond just an update about me. You are as great as I am and I hope you read this and take the time to express yourself by creating something of your own that helps you express that greatness.

Okay, tomorrow, video games. Promise.

About Last Night

I just wanted to check in and say that I don't usually get as cheesy as I got yesterday. I write just a little bit before going to sleep and I'm usually in a hazy mode where I am not entirely focused but I'm just kind of letting the thoughts that have been bouncing around my head splash all over the place. Apparently, I wrote what I wrote yesterday because that's what I needed to read today. I feel like I was more productive and in a better mood than I have been for a long time after reading through all of that and reflecting on the idea behind what I was trying to say.

A long time ago, my aunt lent me "The Four Agreements", which was some general self-help advice wadded up with some very New Age-y black and white magic stuff. However, I really did like it and I took what I could from it. These basic thoughts (which stuck with me so well that I just had to Google them) were as follows: be impeccable with your word, don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions and always do your best. In other words, don't be sarcastic, don't be self-centered, don't be a know-it-all and don't be lazy! I am oversimplifying but I'm doing my best to do that so I'm living by these rules!

It's such a strange balance. As a kid, you fulfill most of these without anyone telling you to do it. Kids are notorious for being brutally honest. They are always saying the darndest things, if history taught me anything. When a kid wants something, they can also be incredibly difficult to dissuade. Nevertheless, it is the adult who sees beyond what they need and realizes that other people exist, too. It's not until you really start making sacrifices for others that you can really consider yourself an adult, even if it's as simple as "I'm going to shower often enough that people aren't completely grossed out when I enter a room". Kids are gross. Then there's that one trait that belongs to no age group, that can not be taught. Just because you know something, doesn't mean you know everything. Likewise, just because you don't know everything doesn't mean you know nothing.

Knowledge is a fascinating resource: the more you gain of it, the less you seem to have because you realize just how deep and profound the world, the universe and existence in general is. No one can know everything and it's usually the people who know the least that will tell you they have all the answers.

That was a huge digression from the point at hand, which was that I didn't actually intend to engage in so much self-congratulatory navel-gazing but I did it, mostly because I like to use hyphens. That's not true. I actually hate hyphens. That's a lie, too. I love all punctuation equally. I guess it's like I was saying earlier, I have a lot of stuff built up in my head and I'm letting it out, bit by bit. I usually have a goal in mind when I start writing but then it twists and turns and I end up in a place I didn't really expect 90% of the time. It's similar to blacking out and then waking up in a ditch with no pants...wait, no, it's not that bad. It's like blacking out in your living room and waking up in bed but you're dressed as Batman. It's a little bit surprising but it's also convenient and even if it is weird, it's pretty cool. 

I love me

Is that a problem? Originally, I was going to write about our narcissistic society and how dumb some of the things I've seen one facebook are. Honestly, when I look at it, that would have made me a huge hypocrite. The most important reason is that I actually do like to see what people are eating or hear their crazy, random musings on politics or religion. I love to see memes, especially old ones that someone is just finding. One of my favorite things is to see someone come on facebook and say "What is Slender Man? What's the deal with that guy?"

I was going to talk about how I hate when people posts "That moment when..." or some broken sentence fragment that only brings more questions but every time I see someone do that, it's a person I know who has low self-esteem or is in some sort of precarious state mentally or emotionally.  Actually, someone posting something vague while in a precarious physical scenario would be pretty awesome. "That moment when you can't remember if you cut the red wire or the black wire". "play dead or make yourself big with these guys..." Anyway, my point was that the things that usually irritate me are actually people reaching out in their own strange little ways, hoping to receive some sort of acknowledgement and validation. I totally know how that feels. That might even be why I started up a blog again.

There's this weird cut off where I'm old enough to have moved beyond certain childish habits but I'm still young enough(or maybe just stubborn enough) to still make new mistakes that should be avoidable based on previous experience. There are moments when I just want to slap myself because I waste so much time hating something when it's so easily avoided. When I started trying to figure out why I was so full of hate and rage, I realized it's not them, it's me. I see myself reflected in a lot of the younger relatives and friends that I have and I know that there is nothing I can say to them to make them understand that other people know how they feel and we've all been there. I'm the worst person to say something like that, though, because when I was younger, I literally started yelling at people(well, on the internet, at least) about how they didn't know me and they don't know how I feel and I'm such a special little snowflake you don't even know!

I used to love to say "I'm unique, just like everyone else." There's a sweet irony to that phrase and I savored it when I was younger because I thought it was like saying "F*** you, you're not special." There was an odd disconnect, though, in that when I applied it to myself, I only bothered hearing the first part. As I've grown, I've started to realize that whether you're a transgendered Asian or a gay white dude or a straight black lady, getting dumped sucks. Rebuilding your life is hard when you lose your job, whether you're a utility worker or a bank manager. Trusting people is hard when that trust is broken, whether by a family member or friends or just strangers in general. It doesn't matter who you are. Words hurt, actions hurt, life hurts. Sometimes it hurts really bad. I think that anything that is broken can be fixed, though.

For me, the only way to fix myself is to love me. It sounds so cheesy but every failure, at it's core, only shook me, only changed life for me. I chose how to react. I chose what to do and each small step towards my vision of what I want for me is something that is important to me. The world can go on without me but I can't go on without me. We need each other. This is getting confusing; to clarify, I can yell at people and hate everyone but it's all misplaced emotion and wasted energy.

I want to be clear. I'm not saying to start telling every person how great you are. There's a pretty wide line between confidence and arrogance. Just remind yourself of the fact that you're the best you you've ever met once in a while. Maybe even daily. I mean, if you just ran a marathon or baked a delicious cake or did good on a test, go ahead and brag to others. If nothing special happened, just keep in mind that you're still you. You're unique, just like everyone else. You gotta love that about you.

Just Do It

There are probably a billion different cliches that are running through my head right now, all about beginning anew and restarting and writing and...well, you get the point. The one that finally won me over was the titular Just Do It but not the Nike ad. I'm talking about the first and most important piece of advice that Stephen King gave in his book "On Writing". Everything else is wonderful and useful advice but if I only read that first line, I would be ahead already.

I read the book, at first by skimming it in a book store(one of several that I know are gone because the mall they used to be in is now a giant, creepy abandoned building) and then by checking it out alongside Danse Macabre. To be honest, I forgot I had it and ended up returning it unread! I was recently wandering the web aimlessly, as I'm wont to do when I stumbled upon a quick summary of King's rules of writing, summed up for bloggers. The first one hit me like a punch.

Just do it.

That's it. Don't sit around and wait. Ideas are like food, wonderful when fresh, still acceptable even when warmed over once or twice but if you hold onto them too long, they start to rot and that rotten brain-stuff rolls over and starts to infect the rest of your head. How much happier and well-adjusted would I be if I had tossed all this junk floating around onto a page in some corner of the internet? What have I missed because the fridge of my mind is full to the brim with plastic containers full of mysterious, congealed lumps?

I think the last time I wrote on the internet was sometimes in 2009, on myspace. It was one of those "Well, I've got nothing to say but I'll use a lot of words to say it" blogs. Since then, I've breezed through a couple English classes where, despite the teacher complimenting my writing, I always felt like I was pulling my punches. I don't think I've gotten to my full potential and I don't think I will unless I start emptying my mental pantry. So, I guess that's my mission statement: get the junk out! Whatever I think or feel is going to get dumped on this page in a regular fashion. That means sometimes, there will be complete non sequiturs: video game progress updates, rpg/boardgame actual plays, philosophical wheel spinning, literature or comic critique and a bunch of other stuff pinballing around the ol' noggin. There's no telling what because I'm living with a simple goal.

Just do it.