Well, Sunday I took time off because I felt like the game blog felt too much like a book report or something. Don't get me wrong, I do plan on throwing up reviews of stuff in general but there's definitely going to be a more natural and spontaneous move towards it then "Here's the blog as promised". It felt a bit forced on a second read through. Monday, I was driving for about 12 hours so I just came home and didn't fell like doing anything.
Here's the honest truth: I would love to make some residual income by blogging. Here's the other, counter-intuitive truth: I hate feeling forced to do anything, even when I'm the one forcing me to do it. So, while I would love to be the go-to site for all your news and reviews about something or other, I just can't do it. I think the best I could do is set aside one day and make it "Wild Retro Wednesdays" or something where I do a specific type of writing but even that is too much definition for something that I really only do for fun. So, I guess now it's back to some stuff about me.
I am not competitive. Except I am, I'm just trained to understand that I can never be the best. It's a messed up way to see life. When I was in third grade, I got second place in a spelling bee. I was incredibly happy with myself and people told me how good I was to just do that but there was someone, I don't even remember who, but there was someone who said "You could have got first place." So, instead of being happy that I won, I slowly became aware of how much better I could have done. The next year, I was in the spelling bee again and I stuttered on a word, which counts as a misspell. When I sat down, I was just overcome by this bleak feeling of failure. Since we're being honest and since that was about 20 years ago, I'll just tell you I cried like a baby. Part of me had no idea why I even cared and part of me was absolutely devastated.
You have to understand that when people feel the need to frame everything in game terms, I immediately see that as something that can only end in tears. Even though I know losing is inevitable, it still rips me apart when I do lose and that's why I don't want to be a part of anything that couches every little occurrence as a "win" or a "fail". The problem is that I don't like to feel forced but whenever someone starts with that nonsense, I'm right there with them. I sink down to some low levels, even if it's just in my head sometimes. That's the worst part, imagining what you should have said or done to put some jackass in their place when the truth is, they are in a bad place already. If you're having a discussion about Star Wars and you accidentally say that Endor was the Ewok planet(Have you been drinking?) and somebody googles it and sees that the Ewoks lived on a moon of Endor, instead of saying "Oh, is that what you meant?" it comes out as "Haha! Total NERD FAIL! Lol(yes, in this example, the person is saying "lol" because that's what an idiot does and this person is an idiot) you got owned! Now, which one of these guys is Dark Vader again?" There's so much wrong with a person like that.
If you're self esteem only comes from pointing out people's flaws and mistakes, you're probably going to have a high self-esteem but not very many friends. Now, I'm in this weird snake-eating-it's-tail point here, because I'm saying that someone pointing out other people's flaws are jerks but I'm pointing out that flaw and acting like I'm so much better. We are still being honest, right? Then I'll tell you that I like to be right. I love it, actually. I like to feel like I'm the smartest one in the room and that is the first step towards being an unbearable d-bag that no one wants around. I wish that when someone was wrong or when someone was misinformed, I could find the right middle ground between "Just shut up, you're an idiot" and "Well, if that's what you think then okay, I must have heard it wrong." I don't want to kowtow to anyone but I don't want to be the kind of person I can't stand. It's incredibly hard to be confronted with evidence that I might actually be kind of a crappy person sometimes but it's also a growing experience. After all, flowers need manure, right?
So, I'm working on becoming a beautiful, gentle flower. It is not easy. You know what is easy? Being a weed. The truth is, weeds are much more plentiful. Most people don't want to pick the weeds out of their garden and they grow so fast. Wait, let me rephrase this whole analogy. I want to be a beautiful garden. That sounds very feminine but imagine a garden full of cool stuff like Venus flytraps and cool vines and stuff. No, wait, now the analogy doesn't really work. Here, let me just tell you what I mean: I want to find all the bad parts of me and get rid of them. I'd like to find the good parts and make them bigger. I want to eventually be the kind of person that people love, trust, and look to for comfort. I've got a few people that do that now but I feel like it is in spite of my flaws and what I'd like is to be someone that people don't have to excuse. I want people to say "He's a good guy." not "He's a good guy except when you're discussing Star Wars, then he becomes some kind of raging freak."
I think life is too big to understand completely but I think we learn about it through discussion and analysis. So, it's important to have people who want to talk to you. Love is nice, too. I don't think it explains anything but it does help when things don't make any sense.
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