I love me

Is that a problem? Originally, I was going to write about our narcissistic society and how dumb some of the things I've seen one facebook are. Honestly, when I look at it, that would have made me a huge hypocrite. The most important reason is that I actually do like to see what people are eating or hear their crazy, random musings on politics or religion. I love to see memes, especially old ones that someone is just finding. One of my favorite things is to see someone come on facebook and say "What is Slender Man? What's the deal with that guy?"

I was going to talk about how I hate when people posts "That moment when..." or some broken sentence fragment that only brings more questions but every time I see someone do that, it's a person I know who has low self-esteem or is in some sort of precarious state mentally or emotionally.  Actually, someone posting something vague while in a precarious physical scenario would be pretty awesome. "That moment when you can't remember if you cut the red wire or the black wire". "play dead or make yourself big with these guys..." Anyway, my point was that the things that usually irritate me are actually people reaching out in their own strange little ways, hoping to receive some sort of acknowledgement and validation. I totally know how that feels. That might even be why I started up a blog again.

There's this weird cut off where I'm old enough to have moved beyond certain childish habits but I'm still young enough(or maybe just stubborn enough) to still make new mistakes that should be avoidable based on previous experience. There are moments when I just want to slap myself because I waste so much time hating something when it's so easily avoided. When I started trying to figure out why I was so full of hate and rage, I realized it's not them, it's me. I see myself reflected in a lot of the younger relatives and friends that I have and I know that there is nothing I can say to them to make them understand that other people know how they feel and we've all been there. I'm the worst person to say something like that, though, because when I was younger, I literally started yelling at people(well, on the internet, at least) about how they didn't know me and they don't know how I feel and I'm such a special little snowflake you don't even know!

I used to love to say "I'm unique, just like everyone else." There's a sweet irony to that phrase and I savored it when I was younger because I thought it was like saying "F*** you, you're not special." There was an odd disconnect, though, in that when I applied it to myself, I only bothered hearing the first part. As I've grown, I've started to realize that whether you're a transgendered Asian or a gay white dude or a straight black lady, getting dumped sucks. Rebuilding your life is hard when you lose your job, whether you're a utility worker or a bank manager. Trusting people is hard when that trust is broken, whether by a family member or friends or just strangers in general. It doesn't matter who you are. Words hurt, actions hurt, life hurts. Sometimes it hurts really bad. I think that anything that is broken can be fixed, though.

For me, the only way to fix myself is to love me. It sounds so cheesy but every failure, at it's core, only shook me, only changed life for me. I chose how to react. I chose what to do and each small step towards my vision of what I want for me is something that is important to me. The world can go on without me but I can't go on without me. We need each other. This is getting confusing; to clarify, I can yell at people and hate everyone but it's all misplaced emotion and wasted energy.

I want to be clear. I'm not saying to start telling every person how great you are. There's a pretty wide line between confidence and arrogance. Just remind yourself of the fact that you're the best you you've ever met once in a while. Maybe even daily. I mean, if you just ran a marathon or baked a delicious cake or did good on a test, go ahead and brag to others. If nothing special happened, just keep in mind that you're still you. You're unique, just like everyone else. You gotta love that about you.